procraftination

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002: On mental illness

I try to talk about mental health and not gloss over the truth. I’ve been doing that for years, and will continue to do so. It’s not always easy, and there are times when I wish a simple “I can’t do x tonight” would do. But for the most part: there shouldn’t be a stigma attached to mental illness, and no, telling me I don’t “look” mentally ill really isn’t helping. It’s not a compliment.

So anyway. I’ve been given a boatload of different diagnoses and medications in my days. Not all of them were correct, obviously, but the current labels are recurring major depressions, generalised anxiety and agoraphobia. I take four kinds of medications, one of them twice daily. I can go outside on good days. I have a very low threshold for stimuli (sounds, scents, movements) and voices often turn into noise rather than words. I have a lot of limitations, but I have a garden that help me, I craft to calm my brain when I have trouble keeping it from wandering in a hundred different directions (“I feel a little crazy today” or “my brain is everywhere and I can’t make it stop” are both very real things I say) and when I can control my environments I can be quite productive and feel almost ‘normal’, whatever that means.

I know people don’t blog the way they used to, these days. I don’t care. I think I’m going to use this blog that way anyway. At least until my brain starts wandering in a completely different direction.

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001: Let’s begin

I used to blog all the time. I had my own domain and everything. I used to tweet twenty times a day too. I don’t do that either. As someone who has been writing for as long as I can remember it’s very weird to realise that I haven’t done that for years now. Not in a diary type way.

Maybe diaries are for old people.

Maybe I’m an old person? Maybe I should diary (totally a verb) too?

Regardless, sometimes I use my Instagram as a journal type thing, and I feel like it would be a good idea to put them somewhere. I haven’t decided yet what kind of blog this will be. Maybe when I do I’ll be able to figure out which one of my three domains (I know, it’s ridiculous) that fits onto this. For now it’ll just have my name, because yes, a land is a country, but it’s also the first half of my last name. So there you have it.