005: On girls and ADHD

Okay, so I’m not an expert. I was diagnosed two weeks ago, and I still haven’t gotten any medication or any help at all as of yet, because that’s just the way it goes at my mental health clinic. (That’s a story in of itself.)

But yes, I first got help for depression and anxiety when I was nineteen. That’s 1999. I’ve been on so many medications since then (eight I think? or nine?), but my anxiety has still been doing its thing anyway, especially in social settings. I just can’t keep up and it’s just terrible.

This year, in spring, my psychiatrist asked me if I would like to be evaluated for neuropsychiatric conditions. (That phrase isn’t used outside Sweden, it seems. It means autism, Aspergers, ADHD, etc.) At first I said no. I was upset at the possibility of having been misdiagnosed for eighteen years.

I thought about it. I talked to my sister (she said do it). I talked to my mum (she said you don’t need it). And my friends, and… yeah. Lots of people. And I read up on it, and thought “yes, maybe…”

I ended up saying yes. And so, I had a very intense week of extensive tests of all kinds at the beginning of October. I had to travel to the next town over, which took up towards an hour each time. There were four days. So I went, travelling for an hour each way four times in the span of a week, and did tests and talked to three different people and honestly, I’ve been going to mental health clinics for almost twenty years, but this was different. It was harder. And I was scared they’d end up saying it was nothing and that I’d have done it all for no reason.

On the last day I met the psychiatrist and psychologist together. They told me I have ADHD. Or ADD, rather. They told me girls, especially the ones growing up in the eighties, like me, often slipped through the cracks. Back then all focus was on hyperactivity, which is more common for boys. Girls generally have the inattentive thing going. It can cause anxiety and depression because you just can’t keep up with everything around you and it’s just too much.

I felt a little bit like I was hit by a ton of bricks. I also felt like I did when I figured out that I was queer. Like I found a puzzle piece I didn’t know was missing. It felt good, actually. It still does. I’ve been reading about it, and today I came across this on Instagram. It’s a page from a book, and it’s in Swedish so I’m going to transcribe it:

Characteristics; adults with ADHD:
Inattentiveness (often in boring circumstances only)
Hyperactivity (often decreasing with age)
Chronic inner nervousness (“thousands of thoughts at once”)
Disorganised (“chaotic life style”)
Quick mood changes
Doesn’t reach their intellectual potential (grades, etc)
Difficulties when routines and discipline is required
Difficulties with hierarchical structures
Interruption in friendships and relationships (including high divorce rate)
Interruption in education, work life, unemployment
Often co-exists with addiction, depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety, personality disorders

Positive traits; adults with ADHD:
Taking risks
Quick learning
Ability to organise others
Hyper focus
Courage to question rules, hierarchies, etc
Strategies to compensate (good memory, clean house, etc)

10 out of 13 (list 1) and 7 out of 11 (list 2) is me. Despite this, and despite the diagnosis, people are telling me it can’t be me. I can’t have ADHD. I can focus, they say. I’m smart, they say. I have good grades, they say.

Actually, when it looks like I’m focusing I need multiple things to keep me focused (a timer, music to shut out the outside, knitting in my hands), and I use half the time I look focused trying to sort the facts inside my head before I can do anything with them.

I’m smart. They got that right. My grades, however, are just above average. They should’ve been better, I was told, given my intellect.

(I feel like I’m bragging. I’m honestly not. I’m just relieved that there’s a reason for my average grades, my inability to keep things neat, to remember where I put things, to filter out the conversation at the table behind me and focus on the person I’m talking to.)

They encouraged me to go back to school. Maybe I will. My university transcripts contain an endless row of half finished courses and interrupted attempts at learning things the way I’m supposed to. I always thought it was because I was… not stupid, but unable to follow through on things. To finish them.

I guess we know why, now.

I’ll probably have more to say on this topic once I’ve seen my regular psychiatrist (the people doing the evaluation aren’t allowed to do more than evaluate and send the results to the person referring me to them), but for now I’m just relieved.

So yes. I was misdiagnosed for eighteen years. My social anxiety and agoraphobia was likely caused at least in part by untreated ADHD.

I’m thirty-seven years old. I finally have an answer.


004: Knitting project finished!

I said I’d use this blog for Instagram stuff I don’t want to lose in the madness that is my feed, so let’s get on that.


This is Argante by PicnicKnits, knitted in Debbie Bliss Andes, of some mystery colour (I always lose the yarn label), bought at some mysterious point in life I can’t remember. I think possibly at Strikk in Gothenburg years ago? But I’m not sure.

Either way, it came out really well! I did some minor modifications, mainly because I wanted something scarf-ish that was also a shawl, so I didn’t increase until the halfway point. Instead I, after the short row section, kept increasing for a bit, but only every third row, and then I knitted it flat without increasing until I got to the halfway point. And they I did the reverse for the second half of the scarf and it turned out really well.




I’m really loving how the fabric came out, all drapey and nice. I also have a thing for loose garter stitch. I don’t know what it is about it, I just love it! So this one is going to be my new go to shawl, all winter long.

This one took me months and months, mainly because I took a break to do some cross stitch when my wrists didn’t want to play along. But I finished it just in time for autumn, so yay.


003: Chaos brain meets #bulletjournaling

I resisted at first. I didn’t get it. I didn’t want to do the bandwagon thing. (I’m that girl, who refused to read Harry Potter until Goblet of Fire was out, because everyone loved it and I SURE AS HELL WOULDN’T. Then I needed a book for a plane ride and here we are.) I have to admit, though, that I’m a mess without one. I get nothing done. I forget birthdays. I’m unsure what day it is. Etc.

I fall off the wagon a lot. But when I do use it regularly I feel so much better.

21689260_122078798453653_6999316754123980800_nI started with squiggles to minimise the use of a ruler. Sadly the monthly spread and habit tracker kind of requires it.

21690039_742569189266665_1473875739097956352_nMore squiggles. Also: ‘Do this shit’ section is highly recommended. If I only have it at the monthly spread I’m not suitably shamed to do it.

21911286_1538885259513397_1444235143291076608_nI do the calendar method for my writing too. One sticker is 3 x 20 mins. Two stickers is 6 x 20 mins. I get a 5 min break after the two first blocks and a 15 min break after the third. Rinse and repeat. (And yes, stickers are as motivational now as in first grade. Truly.)

21910020_2030749373877897_1789978309812027392_nWriting is also easier with a graph to motivate me. Filling things out fills me with joy, I can’t help it. The dashed lines are where I’m supposed to be on Sunday of that week. This week I’m still high on LET’S DO THIS, I don’t expect the future weeks to be that much ahead of the plan all the way to NaNoWriMo, which is as far as this specific graph will take me.


002: On mental illness

I try to talk about mental health and not gloss over the truth. I’ve been doing that for years, and will continue to do so. It’s not always easy, and there are times when I wish a simple “I can’t do x tonight” would do. But for the most part: there shouldn’t be a stigma attached to mental illness, and no, telling me I don’t “look” mentally ill really isn’t helping. It’s not a compliment.

So anyway. I’ve been given a boatload of different diagnoses and medications in my days. Not all of them were correct, obviously, but the current labels are recurring major depressions, generalised anxiety and agoraphobia. I take four kinds of medications, one of them twice daily. I can go outside on good days. I have a very low threshold for stimuli (sounds, scents, movements) and voices often turn into noise rather than words. I have a lot of limitations, but I have a garden that help me, I craft to calm my brain when I have trouble keeping it from wandering in a hundred different directions (“I feel a little crazy today” or “my brain is everywhere and I can’t make it stop” are both very real things I say) and when I can control my environments I can be quite productive and feel almost ‘normal’, whatever that means.

I know people don’t blog the way they used to, these days. I don’t care. I think I’m going to use this blog that way anyway. At least until my brain starts wandering in a completely different direction.


001: Let’s begin

I used to blog all the time. I had my own domain and everything. I used to tweet twenty times a day too. I don’t do that either. As someone who has been writing for as long as I can remember it’s very weird to realise that I haven’t done that for years now. Not in a diary type way.

Maybe diaries are for old people.

Maybe I’m an old person? Maybe I should diary (totally a verb) too?

Regardless, sometimes I use my Instagram as a journal type thing, and I feel like it would be a good idea to put them somewhere. I haven’t decided yet what kind of blog this will be. Maybe when I do I’ll be able to figure out which one of my three domains (I know, it’s ridiculous) that fits onto this. For now it’ll just have my name, because yes, a land is a country, but it’s also the first half of my last name. So there you have it.